On my phone, there is a photograph that I catch a glimpse of every day — sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. Some days I linger a bit longer, but regardless, I see it every day.
It’s a very personal and protected photo to our family, one that we will forever cherish and hold dear. It’s the sweet and timeless image of our 18-week-old still-born son.
Seeing his beautifully formed, yet tiny face with its already perfectly poised lips, nose and cheeks never fails to snap me back to that unforgettable Wednesday morning, not too long ago, when our family’s giddy excitement was prematurely cut short by the words, “I’m so sorry, but your baby no longer has a heartbeat.”
Have you ever been so sleep-deprived that it felt as though you were standing still while the world moved in reverse at a rapid pace? That surreal, out-of-body experience, where voices and faces become a muffled blur? Well, that was what I experienced in that moment. Everything, especially the dream of having a future with our son, was vanishing, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
It was in that exact moment that I came face to face with the mortality and fragility of life. Suddenly the world felt a bit more finite than I was ready for.
The next 48 hours proved to be a whirlwind of decisions we never thought we’d be making. Medical terms were thrown about, and incredible — but conflicting — advice swirled around us in no short supply. Apparently, I was too far along for a D&C (dilation and curettage) so either a D&E (dilation and extraction) would have to be performed or I could go through a normal and painful labor process (which by the way was highly discouraged by my high-risk doctor.) We were swimming in information and emotions while doing our best to rely on God in order to process it all.
My husband Paul and I both have strong opinions about many things and don’t always initially see eye-to-eye in every situation, but God has blessed us with an uncanny ability to sense His guidance at the exact same moment in our most difficult circumstances. Perhaps it’s just a testament to the magnificent bond of a husband and wife when you’re both wholeheartedly seeking Christ together and at the same time.
So, after spending some time together in prayer and wading through our options, we looked at each other and just knew that, for us, the best way to preserve the dignity of our God-given unborn child was through labor and delivery.
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Source: Baptist Press