“So what’s it like to be a pastor’s wife?”
My wife gets asked this question all the time. Most of the time, she turns to me and says, “Scott, what’s it like to be a lawyer’s husband?!”
I’m sure being my wife has influenced the way she experiences church and relates to God. I meet many people who are surprised when I share the ways being a lawyer’s husband influences the way I pastor my church, relate to people and follow Jesus.
One of those ways involves abuse.
The Education I Got When I Married a Domestic Violence Prosecutor
I’m not just a lawyer’s husband; I’m a prosecutor’s husband. My wife began prosecuting over a decade ago. Most of that time she specialized in domestic violence cases. Around the dinner table, we discussed her cases and I got an education.
I learned about the victim cycle. My wife taught me that, on average, it takes 35 instances of abuse for a female victim to file a report with law enforcement. I heard her frustration each time a victim recanted or when a defendant attempted to intimidate a victim, their family, and other witnesses.
I not only got an education in the world of domestic violence but sexual crimes too.
Through my wife’s friendships with sex crimes prosecutors, I learned that one in six women has been the victim of an attempted or successful sexual assault. I also learned two-thirds of all sexual assaults go unreported. Many churches are grossly unprepared to protect the minors in their care or respond positively when abuse happened.
When Pastors and Church Leaders Come to Court
I’ll never forget the day a pastor showed up in my wife’s courtroom to ask for leniency for a defendant during sentencing. This pastor had not known the man before the crime occurred, only since the man began attending his church (just a matter of months). Apparently, a few months of church attendance undid the severity of his crime.
In a meeting of her division of domestic violence prosecutors the following week, she was asked how she felt about this, specifically as a pastor’s wife. She told her colleagues she’d never seen a pastor come to a sentencing to speak on behalf of the victim.
Her colleagues agreed—they’d never seen a pastor come on behalf of the victim either. These domestic violence prosecutors represented over 100 years of trial experience! In the minds of these attorneys, pastors were naive and easily manipulated.
We Are Not Where We Need to Be
In preparing this article, I spoke with a sex crimes prosecutor with over 20 years of experience, listening to story after story of church misconduct around abuse or sexual assault.
She told me about a defendant who was arrested after standing on his porch pleasuring himself while leering at junior-high-aged girls. At sentencing, he gave the court a letter, written on his church’s letterhead by a pastor, who wrote about this volunteer’s great work at Vacation Bible School.
In another case, over 100 people from a church showed up at the parole hearing of a sexual offender. These supporters came from the church where he had been a youth choir director, stating he could watch their kids any time, despite the fact that he raped his victim in their sanctuary at the foot of the cross.
In multiple instances, pastors spoke at sentencing, citing the salvation of the now-convicted offenders as grounds for more lenient sentencing.
This prosecutor reflected on her experience watching victims respond to these words from their spiritual shepherds. “I cannot tell you how devastating a spiritual injury is on top of the psychological injury. It is very hard to overcome.”
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Source: Relevant Magazine